Golf can be a pretty time-consuming activity, even for the most talented players.
The good thing is, those hours on the golf course are a great opportunity to unwind and have a laugh with friends, acquaintances, and enemies (depending on whether or not they beat you, of course).
For that reason, we’ve compiled 23 funny golf jokes and witty one liners for you to whip out next time you’re on the course.
After all, a break from the inevitable frustration that golf provides is always welcome.
Let’s get into them!
9 Funny Golf One Liners
Relaxing in the clubhouse after a round of 18 is the perfect time to entertain your pals with some funny golf one liners. Here’s our pick of the best snappy jokes to crack while you’re sat with a drink, analyzing your performance.
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1. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
2. I shot one under at golf today. One under a tree, one under a bush and one under the water.
3. Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, they’re sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy some more.
4. Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.
5. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… they shoot a “six”, yell “fore” and write “five”.
6. I play in the low 80’s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
7. A “gimme” is probably best defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.
8. Golf is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early.
9. “Golf is a good walk spoiled” – Mark Twain
Related article: The 13 Best Golf Games For A Wide Range Of Handicaps
The 6 Funniest Q&A Golf Jokes
We’ve all heard our fair share of knock-knock jokes over the years. They’re ingrained into our culture, so it’s hardly surprising that there are a few good gags on the subject of golf.
Here are some of the best Q&A golf jokes.
10. Why do golf pros tell you to keep your head down during lessons?
So you can’t see them laughing.
11. What’s the difference between a rock climber and a golfer?
A golfer goes: Whack! “Sh*t!”
A rock climber goes: “Sh*t!” Whack!
12. Did you hear about the two guys that met on the golf course?
It was the beginning of a beautiful friend-chip.
13. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball caught in the rough?
Guys will spend at least 5 minutes looking for a golf ball.
14. Why did the golfer have to change his socks?
Because he had a hole in one.
15. “What did you get on your last hole?”
The 10 Best Lengthy Golf Gags
Golf humour tends to revolve around laughing about how bad you are. It’s one of those where if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry — and one liners are great for that.
But what about when you’ve got time for slightly longer golf jokes? Maybe you want to paint a bit of a picture, and fill up that long walk up to the green.
Let’s take a look at some great longer golf jokes.
16. A man on holiday finishes his round and walks into the clubhouse.
The head pro says “Did you have a good time out there?”, to which the man replies “Fantastic, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” says the pro. “How did you find the greens?”
“Easy,” said the man. “I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were.”
17. After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he was walking despondently up to the 18th.
He looked at his caddie and said “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”
The caddie, quick as anything, replied “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
18. A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays super fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home.
As he’s about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although he’s worried this might slow him down, the younger man says, “Of course.”
To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A huge tree sits in front of his ball, directly between blocking it from the green. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
Presented with this challenge, the young man swings hard, connects with the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and thud down a foot from where it had started.
“Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
19. One day, Tim is waiting around for ages for his pal John to show up for their usual round of golf.
“You’re late on the tee, John.” he says, when he finally arrives.
“Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see whether I should go to church or go and play golf.” replied John.
“Okay, but why are you so late?” asked Tim.
“I had to toss it 15 times!”
20. A golfer slices a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset and immediately went looking for the farmer.
“I’m so sorry,” he said to him. “My terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
21. As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be out playing golf!”
“Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.”
The groom replies, “That’s okay, love. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”
22 A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.
The man went straight up to the dentist and, “Doctor, I’m in one hell of a hurry! I’ve got two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So don’t worry about the anaesthetic, just pull out the tooth and be done with it. I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”
Slightly taken aback, the doctor thought to himself, “My goodness, this man must be very brave, asking me to pull out his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.”
So, the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts.”
23. A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment, where they find a man standing with a 5 iron in his hands, looking down at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.
The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?”
“Yes.” he replies.
“Did you hit her with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.” The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.
“How many times did you hit her?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Five, six, seven. . . Put me down for a five.”
24. A golfer was having a terrible round – 20-over par for the front nine with loads of balls getting lost in the water or rough. As he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, his caddie coughed, causing him to lose the plot.
“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled at him.
“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be way too much of a coincidence.”
25. A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by one of his co-workers.
Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever about golf.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball towards the flag on the first green.”
The novice teed up and whacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped just inches from the hole.
“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro. After a pause, the pro finally said, “Erm… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.”
“Oh great! NOW you tell me!” said the beginner, in a disgusted tone.
Golf Jokes Add Some Humour To Your Game
So there you have it: 25 of the best golf jokes, guaranteed to crack up anyone who’s obsessed with the game.
With funny golf one liners, Q&A gags, and some lengthier golf jokes that take longer to get to the punchline than you do to the green, we’re sure there’s something there for every golfing occasion.
From Funny Golf Jokes To Best Golf Podcasts . . .
Now you’ve got some golf humor under your belt, time to learn about the world of golf podcasts.
These can be a great way to learn about the game off the course – from tips to gossip to the latest matches and player information, golf podcasts are your one-stop-shop for all things golf.