The Slow Play Golf Association (SPGA)

By David Savage

(Courtesy of DazMSmith)

MEMBERSHIP IN THE SLOW PLAY Golf Association (SPGA) is simple, especially if you follow these important guidelines:

1. Arrive in the parking lot at your tee time. That way the starter will try to hold everyone else up while you pay your fees and get your cart.

2. No two people out of the cart at the same time. One player has to complete his shot and return to the cart before the second person can exit the cart and begin planning his shot.

3. Take plenty of practice swings. Five or six minimum.

4. Wait for the group ahead to clear. Even though your best drive is 170 yards, the group ahead has to be on the green of the 400 yard par 4 before you can hit your drive.

5. Use all electronic devices: GPS, rangefinder, iPhone app, etc. before every shot. Immediately answer all cell phone calls and text messages. Tweeting frequently is encouraged.

6. Use the same club the pros use. Phil Mickelson hits his 7 iron 170 yards and you should be able to hit yours the same distance.

7. Following every bad shot, hit a mulligan.

8. Look for lost balls no matter how long it takes. Leave the cart parked in the middle of the fairway so the group behind knows you are still looking.

9. Park the cart in front of the green or at least on the opposite side of the green from the next tee.

10. View all putts from all four sides. The pros do and so should you whether it is the first, second, third or fourth putt.

11. After putting out, stroll back to the cart, return to the green to pick up the club you forgot, clean the clubs, place them in the bag, get into the cart, recount each stroke on that hole, record the score and then, and only then, drive to the next tee.

12. Never, ever wave the group through.

13. Never take a lesson from a golf pro. It may invalidate your membership in the SPGA.

David Savage lives in Collingswood, New Jersey.